As a teacher, I have to take professional development courses/classes each year so I don’t become stupider (Sorry, couldn’t resist). I know one teacher who has been doing the same 2 units every year for about 20 years. After 20 years, I would think you would want to hang yourself. Dear God, please retire. Charlotte dies in the end, every time..please move on…Anyway, I was thinking, what other people should take classes each year to hone their skills and my first thing I thought of were mothers.
Mothers need to take a class titled, “How to Get Out of Walmart Without Slapping Your Kid.” I remember being in Walmart in the check-out aisle when Alexandra was a teen-ager and a frazzled mother was slapping a child sitting in the shopping cart, and saying, “I should just take you home.” Well, you are in the check-out aisle, Einstein. Your next step is home. Unless you have to stop by Human Resources or something. Alex coughed and said under her breath, “Child abuse,” which cracked me up because it reminded me of the movie, Animal House, when the Delta brothers coughed, “Blowjob!”. I looked at her with such pride. A mini-me. Well, of course the mother-slapper heard Alex, and backed the buggy out of the line and went to aisle 31, (which was the aisle all bad mothers ended up.) Seriously, if my kids acted up, I took them right out of Walmart and we went straight to get an ice cream cone. Ok, I am lying, but actually, I would leave everything in the buggy and we would leave. I only had to do this a dozen or so times (lying again) before they knew what was expected of them. And that is why Adam had a lot of Ghostbusters and Ninja Turtles in his closet. It is called, “” You Do Something Good For Me, and I May Do Something Good For You.” Some people call this bribing. But, they don’t know what the hell they are talking about. This was a boardroom deal made with both of our wishes realized. He wanted a toy. I wanted him to not act like a red-neck idiot. (Just in case you think I am partial, Alex had a gazillion Barbie dolls..even the Rosie O’Donnel Barbie that I wouldn’t let her take out of the box because it will become a collector’s item in the future. (I am wise beyond my years.) But,I had the best behaved kids in any buggy. Guaranteed.
One day when I was in Walmart, I saw a woman who was yanking a kid by the arm. She also had one sitting in the buggy and one who was standing in the buggy, next to the beer and cigarettes. (I couldn’t see everything, but I am sure she had a copy of the National Enquirer also). Ok, I do admit it is hard when you have 3 small children to deal with. But, don’t pull their arm out of its socket. Just sayin. My dad did that to me when I was 3 because I didn’t want to go to bed one Christmas Eve and I ended up at the hospital. In all fairness to my dad, who was wonderful, he went to take me by the arm and I just hung up in the air like a retarded monkey. (I’m making fun of myself, so I can use the word, “retarded,” if I want to. ) I guess that could pull your arm our of its socket. But, this mother, who by the way, really needed to wash her hair, and that pissed me off, because you could buy shampoo for the price of the National Enquirer, yanked and yelled at her child with a long winded tirade directed at what she was going to do to the child when they got home and ended with, “You need a nap!” And of course I speak without thinking. I replied to the child, “I think it’s mommy who needs the nap.”
Uh Oh…Perhaps not a good thing to say when she could blow you over with just her breath. “Excuse me? This is none of your business. How dare you, bitch! I don’t need a nap!” Thank God I wasn’t in the toy aisle. There are dart boards in the toy aisle. I looked down the aisle to see if I was going to need to push someone out of the way when I made my escape, because I had to have a parting shot. I am too much of a smart ass not to. ” Ok, I’m sorry…….maybe you don’t NEED a nap….pause…pause… How about therapy?” And I took off. Didn’t even look behind to see if she was getting ready to pull my hair. That’s what child abuser’s in Walmart do, you know..they pull hair.
I hid and checked out in the garden supply area and I did see her in the parking lot as she got into her nice shiny truck. I thought for sure she would be driving a small car with a different colored door. She had a nice truck. So, that made me even more mad. Not the child abuse in aisle 5 part, but because I know she could afford to wash that hair.