D-i-v-o-r-c-e

I have been divorced since May, 2009. I guess you could say it was a friendly divorce. We even rode together to the divorce hearing.  The judge was a little shocked. “Well, in all the time I have been doing this, I’ve never heard of the divorcing couple car- pooling to the courthouse.” But, we did. We also didn’t use lawyers, so it was quick. He even treated me to lunch at the 8th Street Confectionery after the hearing. A meatball hoagie and a divorce on the same day. Life is good.

My ex-husband and I remain close and he still calls me a couple of times a week. So, it is nothing out of the ordinary to hear his voice on the other end of the phone line.

One day this past spring, Magoo (my nickname for him because he can’t drive) called me with some unsettling news. He asked me if I had received a certified letter from the clerk of the circuit court. Nope, never received one.  I always seemed to get mail a day later than he did. That was normal.  There was a pause on the other end of the phone. “Why?”

Magoo told me that the letter informed us that since lawyers were not used in our divorce, part of the divorce process was not completed and the certified letter was sent to inform us that they had to render the divorce null and void. We were supposed to come back to the courthouse for a meeting with the family law judge who granted our divorce. There was silence on my end of the phone, because I was at a loss for words.  I am never at a loss for words. I could feel my blood pressure rapidly rise and I thought that my head was going to explode.

“What the f*&%????…….  Are you saying that we are still married? ………. Oh my God! ………..Read it to me!”  I couldn’t believe that a judge could be so inept to overlook protocol in a divorce proceeding. What a moron. I called her worse names.  I was a torrential ranter. My sentence structure was nothing but a long string of adjectives….

“That stupid, moronic, inept, worthless, incompetent, bumbling, absurd, insipid, lame, banal, unfit, impotent, brain-crippled, window-licking  short bus riding bitch!……”

He read it to me. “blah blah blah….protocol was not followed……form 425 not signed or notorized……..blah blah blah……divorced rendered null and void……must appear before Judge _____ within 30 days to begin divorce process…..”

I was shocked.  “Are you freakin kidding me?” I looked at the clock and then asked if he wanted to meet me down at the courthouse right now. He replied, “I will come and pick you up in about 20 minutes. Vickie, this means we are still married.”

“Shit, Magoo, this is absurd!!” I was ranting and rambling and I was so mad I couldn’t see straight. I wondered if we should call the Judge’s office to find out what the hell was going on.  He said, no, we should just drive down. I asked him to read the letter to me again, one more time. He said he already read it to me once.  I didn’t give a shit. I wanted to decifer it. Tear it apart with a fine toothed combed. He went to get the letter. I guess he walked with it into another room while we were talking.

As I was pacing, waiting for him to come back to the phone,  I stopped by my front door and just happened to look at the calendar. I just couldn’t believe that after almost a year, we found out that we were never divorced. I also found out something else.

Magoo got back on the phone. I yelled into the phone, “YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

I noticed on the calendar that it was April 1….April Fool’s Day………Damnit, he got me!

His laughter was deafening. It went on for quite a while. I let him have his fun. It was the first time he was ever able to pull an April Fool’s joke on the Queen of April Fool’s jokes.

He tried to talk through his hyena-like howling. “I am the Master!……After 30 years, I am FINALLY able to pull an April Fool’s joke on you.”  And he began cackling again. Cackling like a little school girl if I may say so.

He must have written down some of my remarks, because he was able to regurgitate everything I had said. He was a regurgitator.

He called me back two more times that afternoon. All I could hear was laughing. I hung up on him.  And then I smiled.

That was a good one.

Before…

After…..still smiling 🙂

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19 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Beth on February 23, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    This blog had me biting my nails for the first couple of paragraphs. My husband and I both divorced our ex’s via: snail-mail. It’s a long story, but we were both separated, broke and starting over when we started dating. I worried for years that we would find out we weren’t married to each other, but still married to our ex’s. I think we’re in the clear now. I hope. It’s been 12 years.

    I really enjoyed the blog. You’re so funny.
    Your ex looked like a young Chevy Chase, I think. lol Cute. I think it’s awesome that you two remained friends, too. That is almost unheard of.

    Reply

  2. wow…I’m less in awe of the joke as I am in your ability to not have bad feelings between the two of you. I guess it’s different when a husband leaves on his own after cheating than just drifting apart and both agreeing it’s for the best.

    Reply

  3. May sound like an odd question, but (out of curiosity) why was it a friendly divorce? What kept it so?

    Reply

  4. Posted by bluescrubs on December 11, 2010 at 8:42 am

    mine wasnt a joke…our divorce had the law masters signature but somehow got filed with out the Judges signature. By the time it was noticed It had been a year and he was remarried (90 days after our would be divorce)

    Reply

  5. Good thing he did not come over. His safety might have been in jeopardy. Great post.

    Reply

  6. Oh my gosh! That has got to be one of THE best April Fools Jokes I have ever heard pulled. I am sorry it was on you but I have to give Magoo credit that was a good one.

    Reply

  7. I love it, I love it. I hate having April Fool’s jokes on me, but I do love to hear them. My dad was the master. He got me so bad one year (when I was an adult) and I was in tears, and told him he was mean, and my mom said he had to stop. So he has not pulled them on me for the last ten years. I still worry every year though!

    Reply

    • I was the master, until I pulled one on my daughter that scared her and she cried. I promised I would never pull one again. My ex did pull the ultimate joke on me. I fell for it, hook , line and sinker..lol

      Reply

  8. Posted by Eric L on November 21, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Great story! : D

    Reply

  9. Posted by TheIdiotSpeaketh on November 21, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    No offense to you….but the man is a genius! I LOVE a good April Fools Joke….and this was one of the best I have heard! Glad you were indeed still divorced….but Oh Man….that was a great joke! 🙂

    Reply

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