I used to go roller skating every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday when I was in junior high. I was pretty good, if I may say so myself. So, when a group of us went ice-skating for the first time when we were in high school, I knew I would be Peggy Fleming on ice.
Now, you have to understand that I hate the cold. I was called “Bluey” when I was little because as soon as I spent any time outside in the cold, my lips turned blue. It really looked like my mom decided that blue lipstick looked good on a 5-year old. Not that I would put that past her. So, when someone suggested ice-skating, I knew I had to bundle up and risk being called “Bluey” all day. I wore my Ali McGraw hat, and had a long scarf wrapped around my neck.
I laced up my skates and I was ready! While most of my friends were baby-stepping it around the perimeter, learning the basics of the art of ice-skating, I shot out toward the middle of the rink. I was a show-off and today would be no different. I immediately started wobbling. Whoa! That blade on the bottom of my feet is making me wobble. Damn blade. Why the hell can’t they have two blades so I don’t wobble? Uh Oh….Something is not right. Well, hell, this isn’t like roller skating at all. Right when I thought that, I knew I was going to fall. Oh, it wasn’t a quick wipe-out. It was one of those contort-your-body-trying-not-to-fall falls. I believe someone said I looked “retarded.” Of course, that is politically incorrect these days, but back then, I was retarded on a daily basis.
I barely made it back. I basically walked on the sides of my skates. Which is painful. And made me earn the moniker, “Retard”, for the day. But I got back. Shit, this isn’t easy. I watched people glide by and some were even skating backwards. I felt so inadequate. My friend, Teri, who could skate, offered to take me around. But, then again, maybe she couldn’t skate, but anyone with a pulse could have skated better than me that day. Even blue-lipped penguins. This was not going to be good for Teri. She had long hair. Like down to her waist. Well, we all had long hair, but Teri’s was also wavy and thick, so it looked like something I could grab if I fell. And I did think of that before we went out on the ice. She also had a scarf, so I thought I would try this screwed up leisure activity once more.
I held her hand, and I waddle-skated. Hell, I was a blue-lipped penguin. I didn’t make it very far, when I felt that “Uh Oh….” moment once again. I was struggling. The Contorted Contessa…I was going down. Hey, might as well take Teri with me. Well, I didn’t want her to get hurt or anything, I just didn’t want to get hurt. So, I grabbed at the first thing as I was going down. It happened to be her scarf.
Well, I somehow went down in a split. It was a perfect split. I yanked on Teri’s scarf as I was splitting. We laid on the ice, laughing hysterically. Each time we tried to get up, we fell back down. I could not quit laughing. I don’t know how many times we tried. She finally decided to save herself, but I wouldn’t let her. I was a scarf magnet. I grabbed at that damn scarf to save my life. I guess I should use the word, “yank.” I was a damn yankie. (hahaha..)
Well, Teri and I crawled to the side. At first she was in front of me, but I wouldn’t let go of her scarf, despite being called all kind of terrible names through her laughing. I guess she felt like she was on a leash, so she crawled beside me. We made it to the side, and I unlaced my skates, and I was done.
I had only been there for 10 minutes.
Fast forward to about 1981. My boyfriend, (future husband, future ex-husband) took me ice skating with another couple. Great, just great. Well, Magoo couldn’t roller skate. He had never went ice-skating before. We all know he couldn’t drive.I warned him about my previous encounter with the ice. But, the idiot put his skates on and went right out on the ice. He never even did a test drive. I on the other hand, ended up in the middle of the rink by myself. Magoo knew to keep away from me, I guess. Some boyfriend he was. I was on my own this skating day. I fell. I cursed. Decided to crawl over to the side of the rink like I did years before. This time I guy who was skating by me, baby stepping it, and somehow got too close, and ran over my scarf. Well, when he did, it somehow got caught on something and the scarf yanked at my neck. I yanked back, because remember, I was a damn yankie. The guy went down.
Luckily, he wasn’t hurt. He told me he couldn’t skate and that “this is f*&^* up!” I couldn’t phrase it any better. We decided to crawl over to the side together. I took off my skates and decided never to go ice-skating ever again.
I was on the ice for 5 minutes.