Vicks Vapor Rub: The Eucalyptus Wonder in a Blue Jar

I have laryngitis. So, at bedtime, I rubbed a generous amount of Vicks Vapor Rub on my throat and under my nose and went to bed. Ahhhhh. I love this stuff. So, I am thinking that it is probably bad for you if it feels so good. I mean, isn’t that how that usually works?

Image of a container of Vicks VapoRub (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If scientists came out with a study that reported that using Vicks Vapor Rub over time causes all kinds of medical problems, I am sure I would be the first to die. First. to. die.

My use of Vicks Vapor Rub goes way back. Back to around 1958. I’m guessing.

My parents adopted me at birth. I was the apple of their eye, the reason for their living, the ying for their yang. But, they then decided to go and adopt another baby. I am sure I was all they needed.

David came home right before I turned two years old. My mom said I was like a little mother. I was always standing beside his crib, talking to him in my two year old gibberish and giving him stuffed animals. My mom was so happy that the introduction of a baby brother did not appear to raise any jealousy issues with me. “Appear” is the operative word here.

Oh, no. I guess my Rhoda Penmark impression from The Bad Seed reared its ugly head at a very early age.

Some people refuse to have children after watching this movie. photo via wikia.com

She found me one evening in my brother’s room, sweet talking to him while smearing Vicks Vapor Rub all over his face. My mom said the poor little baby was blinking his eyes like crazy. I guess that was my first whipping.

There, there, David. Let me go get some Vicks Vapor Rub.

Now, I can’t defend myself because I was two years old and I can’t remember what I did when I was that young. But, I just bet I heard him sneeze and was playing nurse or something. My mom was always a big Vicks Vapor Rub user. Maybe she smeared it on me and I felt better and I was just trying to pay it forward. I am thinking this way because of the Susie the dog incident a few years later.

I loved Susie the dog. She was a terrier and followed me all over the house. She was an expert lap sitter. If you were sitting down, she was in your lap. But, I also put Vicks Vapor Rub on Susie’s nose when she sneezed once.

It was the first time I had ever heard a dog sneeze. I didn’t think dogs sneezed. She must be sick.

Must get the Vicks Vapor Rub.

I guess it isn’t meant for dogs. Susie the dog went ape shit. She ran around and around a few times, and then kept licking her nose. I guess that made it worse, as something scared her and she ran through the house and under my mom’s bed.

“Aw, come out, Susie.” I think I grabbed one of my dad’s white tank top undershirts and wiped off Susie’s nose. I didn’t think that maybe it should then go down the laundry chute after that. The shirt, not the dog.

Ok, so Vicks Vapor Rub doesn’t do too well on dogs.

But, it does great when added somehow to a vaporizer. My mom was big on using a vaporizer in our rooms when we were sick. I am not sure if there was a Vicks vaporizer in the later fifties or not. If not, my mom made it into one, because I remember that great smell in my room at night.

Looks sort of illegal

As I got older, I had a hard time getting to sleep. I was a kid with a lot on my mind, and then diagnosed with hyperactivity when I was seven or eight, or maybe younger. I was given the nickname, Cricket,by a family member much earlier. I just hopped all over the damn place I guess. So, Cricket couldn’t sleep at night.

If I put Vicks Vapor Rub under each eye, that would make my eyes stay shut, right? So, I went into my mom’s room, got the little jar, and headed back to my room. I smeared a little dab under both eyes and laid down.

Can’t sleep. Can’t sleep. So, I opened one eye. It made my eye burn like hell. Tears were streaming down my face. So, just like you aren’t supposed to touch wet paint because of the “DO NOT TOUCH  WET PAINT” sign, I had to open my eyes over and over again. Dear burning mother of God. It burned. So, the idea worked for part of the problem. Now I was wide awake and couldn’t open my eyes. I was in a coffin. But, then I fell asleep. I was a future Vicks Vapor Rub addicted genius.

So, I had a pretty great idea. OR….maybe, just maybe, my mom did this to me first, and I was claiming it as my own idea. This makes so much sense now. If she secretly slipped me a mild tranquilizer when I was in fourth grade and called it a “carsick” pill, she would be sinister enough to douse my eyes with Vicks Vapor Rub when I went to bed to make me go to sleep at a very early age. Too early to remember sinister acts. Hmmmmm.

I mean, I do remember calling out to her numerous times at night. I had questions, after all.

I bet the loon put the Vicks Vapor Rub under my eyes to make me go to sleep.

She smeared it under my eyes and then went back to her National Enquirer and Salem cigarettes and coffee nightly ritual.

I just betcha.

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Jumping in Mud Puddles: A Memoir of a Picky, Hyper, Big Fat Liar

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