Pretending to Hear You

You know, this karma thing really does work.  I’m going deaf because I played Helen Keller when I was little. So, Karma is a bitch. I’m sure that is the reason.

You are probably wondering how one plays Helen Keller. Well, first you have to have an Annie Sullivan. That was my bff, Ramaine. And then you had to close your eyes and make your way around the ping pong table in the rec room of your basement, moaning and groaning, because, well, you’re Helen Keller. Annie, er I mean, Ramaine, would sign language spell words like w-a-t-e-r  in my hand and I would nod my head, just like Melissa Gilbert did when she portrayed her in the movie.  I really don’t think we were making fun of Helen Keller. I think we were playing actresses, But, Karma still bites you in the ass. And that’s why now, years later, I’m going deaf.

I don’t know if it was an exact occasion, but one day out of the blue, I was struck down with debilitating vertigo. It was intense, and evil. Evil. See my previous post, Vertigo and Meniere’s Disease. Horrid disorder.

Well, I was told that I would lose some or all of my hearing.  I’m sorry, what did you say? Ok, not kidding. Part of Meniere’s Disease is progressive hearing loss. Have you ever had an experience where you lose hearing in your ear for a few seconds, and it is replaced with a high pitched tone, until it diminishes? Well, I was told that each time I have one of those, it takes a little bit of my hearing away with it. Well, how fun will this be?

That was in 2000. I haven’t been back to my ENT. He wanted me to come back the next time I was in the middle of a vertigo attack. Um, how the hell would that be possible? My world rotates around and around and around for like hours. You are lucky you can crawl, let alone make it to the car. My toilet became my closest friend.  Tammy. Some days it was Tommy, depending on the how much my husband was helping me out while I was sitting by the toilet all day. I have also purposely not had my hearing tested since then either. And I will tell you why.

When my ex would get a bad cold, he would come downstairs in his robe and slippers and would quit shaving. He was pathetic. He would shuffle as he walked…..”I’m sick.” His temperature would be a fiery 98.7, which is high, he informed me, because his temperature normally ran around 97. Ok, you know, whatever. But, I’m sort of like him in a way.  If I would get my hearing tested, I would then be able to use that when I talk to my kids on the phone.

“I’m sorry, Alex. What did you just say.”

“I said, I was goinb blah blah blah blah and you know blah blah blah. What do you think?”

“Really. Something is mess up with this phone. I didn’t hear you. Say it one more time.”

“I was blah and you know how blah blah. And then blah blah blah …..So, what do you think.”

pause…. pause…. lie. “Well, what do you want to do?”

“….Nevermind, Mom.”

Well, shit, I didn’t know what the hell she said.  I have gotten to the point where I just pretend I hear people. And trust me, this is not good. Not good at all. I usually ask people to repeat what they say, and then if I still only hear bits and pieces of it, I will just stand there, looking at them. I’m sure I look stupid, especially if they are waiting for an answer. I think that is why my lunch bunch teacher friend who sits next to me, hits me in the arm all of the time. I usually answer with something that sounds retarded. I just can’t freaking hear and make up something. Sometimes she just looks at me, waiting for an answer and then hits me just because.

If I got my hearing tested, I would be able to insert my “You know I can’t hear” statement right into every conversation.

“Alex, you know I have 80.95% hearing loss in my left ear and 75.42% hearing loss in my right ear…I can not hear you.”

But, I don’t want to do that, because I would be doing it all of the time. I know myself. And that’s where the mocking would come in. Sure, friends and family always mock the ones they love.

In pure mocking Vickie tone: “You know I have 900% hearing loss in all three ears!” Yeah, they would so mock me.

To me, ignorance is bliss. I just love that line. “Ignorance is bliss.” This should be my life motto. I mean, if you don’t know, you can’t react. I will tell you one thing I will react to. I will react to the doctor who finally tells me I may need a hearing aid. I hope that day never comes. But, when I sleep on my right side, I can’t hear anything out of my left ear. I moved a faux grandfather’s clock by my bed last week, and the damn ticking was driving me crazy….until I rolled over onto my right side. Couldn’t hear a thing. I guess deafness does have an advantage….when you want it to.

But, I will never ever wear a hearing aid. Never ever.

So, I have decided that if and when the time comes, I’m not using a hearing aid. Not going to happen. Why try to hide the device? I mean, if I can’t hear, why not let everyone know about it. That’s why I’m going big. You know the saying, “Go big or go home.”

 

Perhaps a  bit much?

Yeah, that’s right. I’m going for the horn. Why hear everything when you can have selective hearing? Look at all of these hard of hearing people. You don’t see them wearing hidden hearing devices. No, they are proud of their limited hearing capacity and want noticed. I will so be getting a horn. They are called an ear trumpet and they have been around for a very long time.

  

 

Or, I could purchase a ear ring horn. Or a ring ear horn. Same thing. I could wear it on my finger, and if I want to hear your babble, I can just put it to my ear, smooth-like.

Hallo? Hallo?

For when I want to call long distance

The earliest description of an ear trumpet or horn was way back in the 1600′s.  While it is fact that people do lose a bit of their hearing as they age, they didn’t have hearing aids back then. So, they came up with the next best thing: an ear trumpet.

Beethoven, who was going deaf, had several ear trumpets made for him. Some of them are in the photo below.

I’m going to wear mine around my neck. An earneck horn.

Yeah, I’m for sure going to use an ear trumpet.

I can just see it now.

 Hey Grandma Vickie. What the hell is wrong with you?

In the end, we all lose some of our hearing. Mine may just be lost earlier. Maybe. Maybe not. But, I will be prepared.

Shut the hell up! You know I can only hear 12% out of this ear and 3% out of this ear trumpet.

About these ads