Bubble Butt and Other Terms of Endearment

Valentine’s Sucky Day is approaching, and you know, I am just not a fan. I don’t think it is because I am Valentineless. I was married 25 years and dated Magoo for five years before that. So, I had a valentine. But, not really.  He never called me a term of endearment. Well, he had one. And I will get to that later.

When you are young and you are falling in love for the very first time, the little things that your partner calls you are endearing. Well, actually,  you can be any age, really, since love is love no matter how you look at it. The only things that are different are the names that you call each other. Well, and the gifts that you receive. Sigh.  See  And That’s Why I Hate Valentine’s Day

Who doesn’t want to be called, “Sweetie?”  It’s one of my favorite terms of endearment. I use it when I talk to my son and daughter. “Hey, Sweetie, how ya doing today?  When my daughter, Alex, was little, I would call her Boobah. I call my cat, Whiskers, Bubby. I don’t know why. She doesn’t look like a Bubby. What the hell is a Bubby anywho?  It just sounds loveable for some reason. I was never called Bubby. But, terms of endearments for children and pets are different. It’s cute. When you are in love, that little “Hi Cutie Pie” or “Good morning, Angel” touches your heart. Nothing touched mine.  Well, he called me “baboon” once in a while. Baboon. Like I was an ape. A hairy ugly ape. I didn’t understand. He said it with love, I guess. But, what kind of baboon?  I never asked him. He was throwing me a bone, after all.  I mean, why did you call me, “Baboon,” Magoo?

I mean, was it because you thought I was pretty? Baboons are pretty, right?

photo via msnbc.com

Was it because I was vocal and spoke my mind?

Or was it because I was friendly and never knew a stranger?

Or maybe you thought I  looked good, lounging by the pool

 

I must admit, I did have a nice butt.

 

I just couldn’t figure it out.  It just came out of the blue one day when he came home from work.

“Hey, Baboon.”  Um, hey……..Chimp?  What the hell?

But, he never called me “Sweetie.”  Not even once. He would call me Vickster or Vickie Rooney, and that’s about as sweet as it got. I don’t know, maybe deep down, maybe that’s why I hate Valentine’s Day. Call me something sweet, dammit.

My favorite all time television show was The Dick Van Dyke Show. I just really thought Rob and Laura Petrie really  loved each other. The first episode aired in 1961. I was young when I watched the show, but remember being confused when my mom told me they weren’t really married. What???  Um, they slept under the same roof, and there were double beds in the bedroom to prove it. I don’t know. They just really looked into each other’s eyes. I wanted that. I remember Laura used to call Rob, “Darling” all of the time.  The word just rolled off the tip of her tongue. Almost every episode ended with her sobbing, “Oh Robbbbb!” And , you know, they had that kid, Richie, but I don’t think they really loved him. He was just there.

I was at Walmart one time and I heard an older man call his wife, “Buttercup.”  And she just smiled the biggest smile. They had to be in their seventies. I wanted to hang out in the aisle to see if she called him anything.  I had a few I thought she would probably use, like “Dear” or “sweetheart.” Those were older terms of endearment. Actor Matthew McConaughey seems to call women, “Darlin” in some of his movies. Just like the character, Andie, in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. She used great words of endearment, such as “Benny Boo Boo,” “Sparky,” and when she tells Ben, “I love you, Binky…..but I don’t have to like you right now.”  Great quote.

As I googled “terms of endearment,” I found a forum from 2003 where people were posting their terms of endearments. Some of them were quite personal. And some of them were quite funny.

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“I used to be her Chipmunk and she used to be my Angel. Now she’s that Bitch that ruined my life and I’m the Asshole who didn’t understand her or her needs.”

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“Sir….but then I have issues.”

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“He calls me “love” or “baby”–I call him “honey” or “baby.” Sometimes I’ll call him “darling” in a joking sort of way. For example: “darling, love of my life, fire of my loins… why are your dirty socks on the kitchen table?”

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“Treacle……….Treacle.”

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“I call him:
Pookie. Babe. Sweetie. Jerkwad.
He calls me:
Babe. Sweetie. Wingnut. Bitch.”

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“I call her “sweet fart”
She calls me “duckling” (phonetically, “duck ling” means “monkey’s ass” in Thai.”

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“I call her “my little pumpkin”…or kumquat…or other fruit. Or “My love” or “honey” or “Blender”
She calls me “dearest” or “Stud.”

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“After calling him a doodle bug once, he called me a rhinoceros beetle.”

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In a pinch? Don’t know what to call your true love? It should just really roll off the tip of your tongue. You can try:

Angel,  Daddy, Angel Face,  Boo, Apricot, Babe, Peaches, Baby Cakes, Baby Doll, Baby, Beautiful, Bella, Honeybun, Cutie Patootie, Dumpling, Doll, Sweet Cheeks, Snuggle Bunny, Hon, Sugar, Princess, Snookums, Cupcake, SweetHeart, Pumpkin, Sunshine, Muffin, Precious, and if you have no brain, Cuddly Wuddly.

So, yeah, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  Buy your love a gift. Oh, it doesn’t have to be much, because in the end, it is all about love. Just love. Hand the little token of love to her/him and add a little term of endearment.

Just don’t call her “Bubble Butt.”

It doesn’t work too well.

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So, what do you call your love?

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