Ketchup Sandwiches

When I was little, I would eat ketchup sandwiches when I didn’t like what we were having. This was after, of course, I had to play by my mother’s rules.

“Vickie, eat your dinner……………peas are good for you……….yes they are…………they are not mushy………..Vickie, eat your dinner…….I don’t know why they aren’t orange like carrots……It doesn’t matter, eat your dinner…………..Vickie, quit lining the peas up on your knife………..Ok, they are all over the floor now……Vickie, the dog is nowhere near you. She did not bump into you. You had them on your knife…….Because I have been watching you not eat your dinner……….Ok, you know what, no Blue Bird meeting for you tonight…”

Yeah, whatever. I can’t tell you how many times I was sent to my room for not eating what was on my plate. I usually hid my peas in my glass of milk. I would drink most of it and then drop peas down in the milk. You could actually hide a lot of peas in milk. I was hungry, but not for awful food like green beans or peas, or yams. I’m not much of a vegetable eater. I like green peppers, raw carrots, and I love potatoes.  So, when my mom would forget that she had sent me to my room, I would meander into the kitchen and fix myself a ketchup sandwich. My dad would usually be in the kitchen later, finding something to snack on. His tastes were weird. He would have a sliced tomato sandwich, with a bunch of salt and pepper on it. I guess that would be in the same family as a ketchup sandwich.

 My mom usually knew when I made a ketchup sandwich, mainly because I used a knife to get the ketchup flowing. I didn’t leave things so neat. I was a kid. There was nothing worse than being on the lam and having to wait for the ketchup to come out of the bottle. So, I used a knife. You were supposed to hit your two fingers on the neck of the bottle, but I didn’t have time. I was supposed to be banished to my room. Heinz was a little late on the development of the squeeze bottle for me.

 And since I was quite the picky one, it had to be Heinz ketchup. I could tell the difference in ketchup’s a mile away. Heinz ketchup on Wonder bread.

 When I was in college, one of my roommates would build a sandwich, and right before putting the piece of bread on top and calling it a day,  would layer potato chips on it and then sort of smash the bread down on the whole sandwich. Weird. I would just look at her while I ate my ketchup sandwich. People eat the weirdest things, I thought.

 Fast forward years later, and my little girl won’t even try a ketchup sandwich. What was wrong with her? These things are delicious. She is 23 now, and still hates ketchup or any condiment, for that matter. She must have been switched at birth or something. I can’t even imagine eating french fries without ketchup. That’s not American. When I eat a hot dog, as much as I like hot dog sauce, I would just choose ketchup over the sauce any day.

The only time I ever wrote a company to complain is the day I wrote to Heinz to ask them what the hell they were thinking with putting GREEN ketchup on our table. Green ketchup. Why don’t you just make black cotton candy while you’re at it. It was just so wrong.

 ”Dear Heinz people,

         Seriously? Green ketchup? What the hell were you thinking?

                                                                 Sincerely,

                                                           Vickie Mendenhall

  I really did write to the company. Because, in the end, who wants to eat Ghostbuster slime on their hot dogs or hamburgers? It reminded me on an infection….on a bun.  (She shudders).

So, I haven’t had a ketchup sandwich since about 1978.  I haven’t had a ketchup bun since 1985.

I’m thinking I am overdue.