Homemade Ant Farm

My mom wouldn’t let me get an ant farm when I was little. I was still pissed about the whole Easy Bake Oven refusal. Like a piss ant. So this didn’t really surprise me.

“Vickie, I am not buying you an ant farm……….Because………..because I said so……………Vickie, no………….Because I am not spending good money to buy a place for ants to live…………It’s not a real farm……….No, it isn’t…………Vickie, I am NOT buying you an ant house………Ants are dirty insects that don’t belong in a house…………They are not cute, Vickie……No, they aren’t….You know what, go to your room!”

So, off to my room I went. I spent a lot of time being punished. This time because of ants. I stopped on my way to my bedroom and took a pencil and a piece of paper. If she wouldn’t buy me an ant farm, I was going to make one. After all, she never said I couldn’t have an ant farm. She just said she wasn’t going to buy me one. I understood semantics, even at an early age.

I was perplexed. How was I going to make an ant farm? I couldn’t ask my teacher. My fourth grade teacher, Ms. Emler, had just put me in the Dumb Row for a week because I wrote a “silly” spelling sentence. That was harsh. No, I would have to think of this on my own.So, I drew pictures. I thought of using a terrarium that we had downstairs. Then I thought of something brilliant!  My mom had a huge mason jar that would be perfect for the ant farm. All I had to do is put some dirt in it, add the ants, and voila!  Homemade ant farm.

The next day I went across the street and with another empty  jar and started collecting ants. I was so excited about the prospect of being an ant farmer, that I didn’t think. I should have brought in dirt first and had the ant farm ready before I gathered the ants. I collected about 12 ants and left them in the jar. I didn’t want the poor things to suffocate, so I put aluminum foil over the top of the glass and poked tiny holes at the top so they could breathe. I went outside to get the dirt for the other jar so I could release the ants into their new abode.

When I got back in with the dirt, I noticed that my ants were gone. That’s strange. I bet my sister let them go. I thought I’d better go back out and get some more. So, I got 12 replacement ants and put them in their new habitat. This was going to be fun. I fed them some sugar like I heard to do and sprinkled some water on the dirt and then went to eat dinner. I put the ant farm in my closet so my mom wouldn’t find it. After dinner, I went back and noticed the ants were gone. What the hell was going on?

Now, you have to understand that I was small and not very smart, so I had no idea to think that the ants would even think about climbing out of their new lovely digs. So, I went out and got 12 more. It wasn’t until I put the new ants into the big  jar  that I thought that the others were underground, digging tunnels. The next morning I got out of bed to see if the ants were building tunnels. I couldn’t find one ant. This excited me, because this meant that they were underground, digging tunnels. Yeehaw! I was an ant farmer. 24 ants and I was sure they would be quite happy. I thought maybe I had too many ants even for such a large jar.

After I got home from school, I checked to see how Annie, Andy, and Adam were doing. (I was going to name them all, because that’s how I roll.) Nothing. I checked again after dinner. Nothing. Well, hell, ant farmer is not fun. You can’t see anything, even with the dirt right up against the glass. I lost interest, but kept feeding them for a few days, because I didn’t want them to die.

Later that week, I was in our family room, and heard my mom yell for my sister. “Get in here! NOW!”

Mom was standing in our bedroom with her hands on her hips. This was not going to be good….for my sister.She was pointing under the bed. “Why did you leave food on your plate and then shove it under your bed?” My sister did that sometimes. When she had temper tantrums and was sent to her room, I would bring her in a plate of peanut butter crackers that I would make for her because I didn’t want her to starve. She must have eaten some and then shoved the plate under the bed.Uh Oh. The plate was covered with ants. There had to be about 30 of them. My mom hauled off and spanked my sister for bringing ants in the house.

Oh, now I got it! Those were MY ants. And my sister got a whippin for it. Oops, my bad.

 I quickly dismantled the homemade ant farm and decided never to speak of what I did. My mom was perplexed for a long time after that, because she kept finding ants here and there. She did look closely at me one time, like she was studying me.

And that was my life as an ant farmer.  I grew up to be somewhat smarter than I was in fourth grade. I was not the brightest star in the sky, that’s for sure.

Oh, one last thing….It’s never a good idea to use a huge mason jar that had canned tomatoes in it. It’s always best to use one that is empty first. Because, in the end, if your mom finds out that you opened a jar of tomatoes and threw them away just so you can put dirt and ants in them, you will get a whipping. And sent to your room. And not allowed to attend the next Campfire girl meeting. Just saying.