Mom’s Magazines

 There are some things that I thought were a given: The sun will rise in the morning and set in the evening. Saturday’s were for sleeping in. The TV Guide sat on everyone’s coffee tables. And The National Enquirer was the word.

 The TV Guide and the National Enquirer were my Mom’s magazines. And the Reader’s Digest. When we would go to the grocery store, Mom had a slew of magazines in her hand. Not to mention a carton or two of Salem cigarettes, and every food item you would want. My mom always had a full buggy. I know I make it sound like she didn’t do anything but smoke and drink coffee. She actually sewed, cook, and cooked some more. We could put whatever we wanted in that buggy.

 That’s not to say that there weren’t boundaries. Those magazines were “hers.”  God forbid if you took one to your room or to the bathroom before she exhausted each page.

  I can’t remember what grade I was in, but back then, everyone made a Christmas tree out of their Reader’s Digest and then would

They made an attractive Christmas tree

 spray paint it gold. Well, I guess my mom didn’t read her Reader’s Digest that one week.  She yelled for me to bring it to her. So, I did. The spray paint was still wet.

“VICKIE???…………………Vickie, Do you have my Reader’s Digest again?……………..I know you can hear me yelling!!…………Vickie, NOW!………….What is this?…………….What do you mean it WAS the Reader’s Digest?……For the love of God, it is still wet!………..Vickie, damnit, it is only August!”

 One can never prepare too early for Christmas.

 I liked the Reader’s Digest. They had a weekly article called, “I am Joe’s…” followed by a body part. Each week, a new body part. The story was done in first person. For example:

“I’m certainly no beauty. I weigh 12 ounces, am red-brown in color, and have an unimpressive shape. I am the dedicated slave of —well, let’s call him Joe. Joe is 45, ruggedly good-looking, has a pretty wife, three children and an excellent job. Joe has made it.  Me? I’m Joe’s heart.”

It would go on in detail to talk about his heart and what it does. It sort of grossed me out, but I learned so much. I also realized that I would never be a nurse when I grew up.

The other magazine that was off limits was the National Enquirer, aka The Bible.

 There used to be a lot of articles about UFO’s and my mom used to read the stories to me. She would have her Salem cigarette in her one hand, and turn the page of the Enquirer with the other. Then she would put down her cigarette, take a sip of her coffee, and then repeat. She really loved her cigarettes. And her Enquirer.

  The one magazine that had to stayed glued to my mother was the TV Guide. I really don’t know what they filled the magazine with back then, seeing there were only three stations on tv.  You were immediately sent to your room if you took the TV Guide out of the living room.

“So, Vickie, why didn’t you call me back last night?…………..Why were you sent to your room?…..

Why?…………..You were sent to your room because you were reading the TV Guide?…………What’s wrong with reading that?……………….Well, that’s stupid……………Vickie, you’re 16….”

I was sent to my room alot. That’s ok, because I had all the past issues of her magazines shoved under my bed. I read a lot.

When I got older and had a place of my own, I bought the TV Guide each week. I placed it on the coffee table and knew that I could read it any time I wanted to and could even take it in another room. Life was good. When I got married, my husband asked me why I bought that when all I had to do was just look at the guide that comes with the paper and stop wasting money on the TV Guide.  Uh, I don’t think so. We can scrimp on food or something. That TV Guide was coming into my house each week.

I hated it when the TV Guide changed their whole format, and they didn’t even bother to ask me. Why do people try to fix things that aren’t broken?  I liked to use the TV Guide……to see what was on TV. If I wanted to read gossip or see who wore an ugly dress to the Emmy’s, I would buy a People magazine or something. But, gee, I don’t know. I thought the TV Guide was a guide for TV viewing. I guess I was wrong. But, it pissed me off. I really miss the old one.

  My mom never changed her magazine habits. When she came to visit me one time, she picked up the TV Guide and was looking through it and somehow when she stood up, walked into the kitchen with it to talk to me while I was getting ready for Adam’s birthday party.

“Mom, what are you doing with my TV Guide?………..That’s my TV Guide……..Mom, I am just  teasing…..Oh, shit, Mom, I was just teasing…….Mom, seriously, you are leaving?…………Dad, you have the keys. You are in charge……..Mom, Adam wants you to stay….I was TEASING…..”

 Except that I wasn’t teasing. I was making a point. She was just mad because I was laughing while trying to get her to stay. I figure I was sent to my room about 5 times for taking her magazines out of the room.

What goes around, finally comes around.