Extreme Makeover: Hoarders Edition

Is that a cat fece under your cot, soldier?

I’m sorry. I can’t get through an episode of Hoarders without wanting to strangle the professionals who go there to help.I listened to my favorite radio personality on the Eric and Kevin Show  on WVAQ in Morgantown, WV, discuss hoarding, and I agreed with him.  He said the lady should be taken somewhere and then driven back to a clean house. So, I took the subject and started a conversation about it at lunch, and apparently, I am wrong. I think the cat feces lady should be taken somewhere for a few hours and brought back to a clean house. When she freaks out, have Sgt. Carter from Gomer Pyle, or some other tough-as -nails marine, shout, “Get over it, you pansy. Your house is clean!”

Well, my co-workers say I can’t do that because the poor hoarders have issues and would just go back to their hoarding ways. Okay, I will play along. Well, except for the fact one friend took away my Coke and said, “How would you feel if I took your Coke away?  That’s how hoarders feel.”  Ok, sure, I do love to have my daily Coke. I don’t want it taken away from me…..pause….pause…WTF does that have to do with anything??  Coke vs a cat urine soaked house smelling to high heaven because a woman (or man) decides to quit washing her dishes and likes back issues of TV Guide. I just don’t get it. I guess that is the point. My lunch bunch also pointed out that you can’t make an anorexic eat and you can’t make a hoarder de-hoard. Ok, wasn’t said like that. But, I understand the problem…to an extent.

Hoarders shows us the inside of a person’s home, which can’t be described as a home, but rather a storage facility area. Oh, and on one episode, rotting pumpkins. (That episode was gross). I remember my mom saying when I was growing up that you always have to worry about a person if they start collecting newspapers. I think we are beyond newspapers with this tv show.

Hoarders apparently have a hard time parting with their belongings. They think that those 25 plastic ice cube trays all have value and they need each one of them. Even if a couple of them have holes. “Dear, you should probably turn the water off. Those trays will never fill with water.”  I really do try to understand their fears and frustrations, but why can’t you use “Tough Love” with the hoarders? This is what I would do.

Ok, I think that the hoarder should be taken away for a while. Maybe intensive therapy at a sanitarium disguised as a resort,  say like Disney World. Some happy place. While she/he is gone, people come in with shovels and get to work. Cats are dragged out from behind couches, poop is scooped and then everything is cleaned up. And then they tear down the house. I guess they could just tear down the house, but you’d have to grab the 22 cats first, I’d imagine.

This is where  Sgt. Carter from the Gomer Pyle Show comes in.  ”Well, Go-lly, Sgt. Carter.” (Ok, I realize the poor guy has passed away, but you know what I mean.)

 The hoarder is then driven back in a white limousine and she gets to yell, “Bus driver, move that bus!”  Ta-Da….a new house…

Yeah, that’s right, Extreme Makeover: Hoarders Edition. 

 

     Ty Pennington and his team can circle the hoarder and say sweet things like, “We know it has been hard for you to live in a house full of useless household goods…the broken vaccumm cleaners, the expired frozen food….the cat feces. Go on in and take a look at your new, clean, organized home.”

     The hoarder will not freak out because it is a new house. He/She will forget what she was hoarding when she sees her new  Kenmore refrigerator.

   But, that’s not all. The contractor that built the new house with closets filled with empty Rubbermaid storage boxes, will give the hoarder Sgt. Carter. Yes, that’s right. If they can pay for the 6 kids college tuitions on that show, someone can give a hoarder a live in, Hoard watcher.  You know it can be done this way. I really think I have something here. Sgt. Carter will just follow the hoarder around and make sure the hoarder lives like a minimalist.  It could work.

     If you haven’t figured it out yet, I find both of these shows intrusive and explotative. But, yet we watch in shock and astonishment, because we  actually like to intrude. Shame on the so-called professionals who participate in this program. The are exploting people who are in dire need of help and they go to their house and let a camera follow the hoaders around. I mean, how the hell is this helping them? All these shows are crap. And we watch them. Because, in the end, humans are curious creatures.

 Now, for you hoarders out there who read this blog, after locating the whereabouts of your computer, I apologize. I really do.

Also know, that I monitor comments and won’t let any bad comments through. (See, we all have issues..mine are of the control type).

So, get over it……………………………….and get that freakin cat off of the counter.