I hope that when I am Betty White’s age, I will be just like her. She is funny and alert and she shows that you can also live the second half of your life without a stupid man. (Sorry stupid men). I have a feeling that I will be sittting in the hall of a nursing home, grabbing at children who walk by my wheelchair on forced visits to their grandmother. I mean, I may not, but I’m thinking I will be demented when I am in my 80′s. Or dead. They are both the same, though, ya know.
I think that I have been a pretty cool mom. Adam and Alexandra may think I need to be hung out to dry, but I am with the times, baby. I am 35 (so happy I am also dyslexic), and I was a teen-ager in the 70′s, which with that fact, does entitle me to be called wicked cool. Here are some ways that my kids should realize I am a cool mom…
1. Dancing-Ok, maybe I didn’t start with the right thing. I am not cool about the current world of dancing.Watching kids grinding turns my stomach. I think grinding is gross, first of all, and the kids doing that, quite frankly, are just asking to get pregnant. (I sound like my mother…shit….) I like to dance and still think I can “cut a rug”, but I am 53, so I really don’t want to get pregnant while grinding. I am pretty sure I have no eggs, and if there is a stray , dried up, one sitting around waiting for Sammy Sperm, the child would be quite unusual, to say the least. Plus, I guess a 53 year old woman grinding on the dance floor may have some other issues that need further study.We did the”the bump” in the 70′s..Yeah that was risque. I mean, we touched hips, and sometimes butts…we were wild. We bumped to the Barry White song, Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe”. I mean, seriously, children of the 70′s were pretty damn cool. But, nowadays, these girls who grind just have SLUT written on their foreheads. And if you say, “Vickie,get with the times, everyone is doing it”, then we have a country full of sluts. Period. Another reason I am cool in 2010 is that I go to Zumba every once in a while. That is dancing. That counts as something cool I do. I suck at Zumba. I am not Rico Suave. I can do some steps, but I look like a bit challenged. Not physically. Mentally. I feel like the SNL skit that cracks me up. 
I think I am doing the moves right and with pizzazz, but then I look at the wrap-around mirrors, and realize that I look just like one of those overweight people with beet red faces that stand in the back row. Well, I do stand in the back row, because that is where the fan is. So, that makes me smart. I never have a beet red face. But, I wear an oversized t-shirt to hide under, and it makes me look like I should be sweatin to the oldies with Richard Simmons.
2. Singing/Music in General
Okay. I am cool with the music scene. I like Coldplay and Jack Johnson. My two favorite songs of this “era” are Dave Matthews, Crush, and Black Eyed Peas (called them the Black Eyed Susans last week…) Halfway There. I guess Lady GaGa is the biggest thing that is going on right now. I guess. I don’t know why people dress like weird-o’s when they can sing. She has a good voice. Why do you have to have a gimmick? Lady GaGa doesn’t remember who she is singing to. Is it Fernando, or Roberto, or is it Alejandro or some one else named AleAlejandro? I think she should pay attention to the words. See, I pay attention to words in songs. I’m cool. I think the the stupidest (sometimes teachers just want to use bad grammar) song of all is Beyonce’s “Put a Ring On It.” How in the world this song made #1 in the land is beyond me. I am cool, but I also have good taste, and this is beyond stupid. It is Uber stupid.
Anyways, I remember one time when my kids asked me if I liked Classic Rock. Are you kidding me? Grand Funk Railroad, Led Zep….Bad Finger….The Carpenters…..(Well, ok, that last one was one we made fun of…“On the day that you were born, the angels got together, and decided to create a dream come true, so they sprinkled moondust in your hair……..”)
So, after my kids asked me, I began singing my favorite band of that era…..
”Sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent..snot is running down his nose, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes…Oh Aqualung…” That’s right. Jethro Tull. See, cool mom here.
Yes, I am Lorelei Gilmore cool
I also saw Peter Frampton, Yes, Dave Mason and well, The Beach Boys in concert. I liked music in the 70′s. I just don’t understand Eminem and that kind of rap. Who the hell decided that was music. That is poetry. Emily Dickinson didn’t read her poetry in front of a person plucking a harp, right?
3. Clothes-ok, this one I fail miserably. I hate shopping. Well, I like purses and shoes, but ever since I gained weight, I really hate trying clothes on, so I am not a clothes horse. I’m just a horse.
4. Behavior Management- I was the lenient one in the family. I never made the kids do anything. I was a stay-at-home mom, so I thought that I should be the one who keeps the house in order. After years of cleaning their rooms, I found that they were children spawn from an F-4 tornado. I decided never to go in their rooms again except to change the sheets on their beds. I figured, if you want to live like a pig, then you can find your own clothes on the floor and figure out if they are clean or dirty. I would just close their doors. My husband hated this scenario. He wanted me to yell at them all of the time. I guess if I had to do it all over, I would beat the hell out of them and make them make their bed as soon as their feet hit the floor. Yeah, that will teach them. Just smack them and tell them what pigs they are and that they will never amount to anything because their beds weren’t made.
In the end, I hope that my children remember that I was cool. Because when they wipe the drool off my chin in that nursing home in about 25 years, they are going to have to have these blogs and some pictures to help them remember.
Cuz I won’t remember shit.
