I have come to the conclusion that I was not meant to take out the garbage. I never had to take out the garbage when I was young. That was my brother’s job. I never had to take out the garbage when I was married. That was my husband’s job, and then later, my son’s. I gathered all the bags in the house and took them out side and lifted the plastic lid, and placed the bags inside,but that was the extent of my garbage duties.
Now that I am divorced, I have no choice but take out the garbage every Wednesday night. It sucks. Maybe I am just spoiled, but I despise this chore. It’s bad enough that I have to change the kitty litter box, and replace it on garbage night. Then I have to clean out my refrigerator, which isn’t really a problem since there isn’t much in there. It’s just the process of getting the can from underneath my porch to the end of the driveway.
Trash Talking
I drag it through the graveled driveway most Wednesday nights. It makes a bunch of noise, so I try to make it over to the grass and drag it from there. It tips over most of the time, and if the guys are hanging out in front of the fire department on warm evenings, they get to hear me curse the whole way out there. I can’t see the front of the fire department from where I am, so I don’t know if they are there or not. On various Wednesday evenings you may hear “You stupid, son of a bitch”…..”Oh, that’s just great”…….Oh, that figures! “!…”You God damn can….” Yeah, that is my summer talk. Tonight I saw a bunch of guys hanging out in front of the fire department when I drove by, so I waited until dark, dragged it over to my Santa Fe, opened up the back hatch and lifted the can on the edge. I then back up the driveway to the curb, jumped out and with all the guys watching, like there was nothing else to do but watch a nutcase take out her garbage can to the curb, I yank it out of the car and onto the ground where it waits for the truck in the morning.
Well, I wait until dark, I guess, because I don’t want anyone to see me take out my garbage. Why, you ask? Who the hell knows? I sort of feel like a bag lady. And I did laugh at myself tonight, because I knew through the almost-dark night, that the gooberheads at the fire department were standing there, watching me. I knew that they would probably say something like, “Don’t tell me she just drove her car out to the end of her driveway? How lazy.” So, I pretended it was the heaviest can in the world. I pulled the massive weight out of the back of the hatch and dragged it with oh so much force to its place by the guide wire. I looked so damn strong. Again, why am I fretting over what the hell people think about my garbage night ritual, but I do.
Winter time is my fun season for garbage night. If there is snow on the ground, I know I am going to fall. It has happened every single time. I have to walk backward and pull my can along the way. And I trip and fall right down into the snow. Might as well lie there and make snow angels. One time I took my garbage can out early because another snow storm was on its way. As I was lying in the snow, laughing like I was a tad bit mental, I heard a truck stop. Awww, someone was going to ask if I needed help in this 7 inches of snow. “You ok?” he laughed. I just lifted my arm and waved at him. Then he said, “My wife hates to take out the garbage too.” And he left. Dear God, you mean some married women have to do this unwomanly weekly chore. Well, that is just not right.
For about 6 weeks last winter, I had to perform my garbage night crawl with one arm. I injured my shoulder while sweeping the snow off of my car and went with the broom after one broad swipe off the top of my car and landed on my shoulder on the ground. I had a hard time, but someone still had to take out the garbage. It took me about 15 minutes to get it to the top of the driveway every Wednesday night. I couldn’t take my car out because I couldn’t lift a hamster, let alone a garbage can with that shoulder.
I know what you are thinking…”Buck up and take out the can,loser.” Well, I do. I don’t like it, so I whine about it.
So, yeah, garbage night sucks.
I guess this makes me a trash talker.
