The Big Snore

There’s a whole list of things I hate. I hate when people don’t wear their seatbelts. I hate litterbugs. I hate vertigo. I hate when people  shoot animals.  The list can go on and on. Snoring has to be on that list somewhere.

When I dated my future husband, I hated when he stayed over. That should have told me something right there. But, it was because of his snoring. He snored all night long.  I once read where people only snore  when they are on their backs, so I would try to get him to roll over on his side. I kept tossing and turning, hoping that that would make him roll over. Sometimes that worked, but he would roll right back over. I never got any sleep.

I would try going to sleep before he did. That never worked. I always heard him come to bed. One night I had a plan. I thought I

Where the hell was this when I needed it?

 would try to take his belt and put it around his head, like under his chin and fasten it tight on top of his head,so  that it would make his mouth stay shut. The belt was too long and he woke up every time I tried to tighten it. “Vickie, what the hell are you doing?” I then got clothesline rope, cut it and tied it before slipping it over his head, but he woke up and thought I was trying to hang him. I guess it did sort of look like a noose. So, I went back to trying to get him to roll over. The only thing I had within reach (too damn tired to get out of bed) was a plant. So, I would take a leaf and tickle him under the nose. He would stop snoring, wiggle his nose, sometimes sleep swat at it.

One time, however, he immediately woke up, looked at me, took the leaf, and tore it into little pieces and dropped the pieces on the bed. I really think he was still asleep..like sleep walking, but not going any where. He then said, as he rolled over, “Silly little tiger”, which cracked me up. I guess that was better than my other term of endearment, “Baboon.”   Uh, yeah. While other people who are in love call each other names like, “Baby” or “Sweetie” or “Honey”, I got called “Baboon.”  Sigh…

 When we got married, the snoring continued and I was stuck with him. Luckily, he moved to midnight shift and I only had to deal with his snoring on the weekends. I would love it when he would fall asleep in the reclining wing back chair or on the couch. I would sneak upstairs and he would come up around 4:00, always saying, “Why didn’t you wake me up?”  “I did try..like 3 times”, I lied. I don’t think he believed me.

I used to get so mad because he would honestly fall asleep in 2 minutes. And then it began. Snoring is awful.

One day while cleaning out a closet, I ran across his metal detector. Yes, he loved his metal detector. But, with the detector, I noticed his headphones that connected to it. Of course! I will use headphones. Well, in the 80′s, the headphones were huge. But, they worked. But, I was stuck on my back, and the headphone cord kept swinging  and hitting me when I did try to turn over, so I didn’t use them for long.

One night, I had a great idea. He always tried to start sleep by lying on his side, which he did for me, and I appreciated the gesture. So, I put a couple of tennis balls beside me on the bed. When he would roll over, he would land on the tennis balls, and would then immediately roll back over on his side. That sounded like a plan…in theory. In reality, it sort of woke him up. He picked up the tennis ball and sort of dropped it out of his way. And of course, it landed on my face.  And I cried. It felt like it broke my nose. And I woke him up too. He said again, for like the 30th time, ”What the hell are you doing now?”

I never gave up experimenting with snoring ideas. One night I woke up him up when I slowly tried to close his jaw. He jumped out of bed, fell into the nightstand, where I had a cactus. Uh Oh…. Yeah, he had little cactus spikes all over  his chest and nipple area. He was in a lot of pain. I had to tweezer them out. Luckily, he didnt realize that he woke up because of my trying to hang him again. He said he woke up, needing to use the bathroom. He said he must have still been partially asleep. So,I got out of that one. I did have to tweeze him at 2:30 in the morning, so it was another lost night of sleep. In the morning, though, he got out of bed, and his foot landed on a piece of the cactus that wasn’t imbedded in his nipple the night before. He had to get the tweezers and cursed while tweezing.  Spikey cacti were banned from our house after that.

Well, they say what goes around, comes around. I guess I started snoring.  I didn’t believe him, so he taped me. My God, I sounded like a snorting animal hiding in the brush.

I snore alone these days, but I added another trick to my bag..sleeping while sitting up. I have done that at least 4 times in the past year now. That is so like an old person. I must be old.

These days you can purchase Breathe Right Strips and shove those ear plugs in your ears. I wish I would have had those years ago.  Because I came pretty close to being arrested for hanging my husband.