Snakes, Gasoline, and a Nun (Part 1)

 Fear is defined as an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is also related to the specific behavior of escape and avoidance.

People are afraid of many things. My daughter just informed me that she has a fear of living in the suburbs, driving a mini-van. Ok, sweetie, go away. Not what I was looking for.. But, anywho, some people have intense fear of many different things. Clowns, for example…. Heights…Water…. Speaking in public….Spiders….Or in my case, three things…snakes, gasoline and a nun. (Although Judge Judy scares the hell out of me, too.)

1. Snakes

People are generally afraid of snakes, but I have good reason. When I was younger, I laid out in the sun almost every day if I didn’t go to the pool. I really should have leather skin and look much older than 35. (Ok,I’m also dyslexic) But, that’s what we did in the neighborhood. So, I laid out on our back porch..on the concrete…on a towel…It had to be quite uncomfortable, I imagine, but I wanted to be as dark as possible. I remember seeing an older girl at the pool who wore pieces of  masking tape  on her stomach during the day, and at night had this fantastic peace sign tan mark that you could see when she wore a tube top. She was the coolest person alive.

Well, I don’t know why, but boys get stuck cutting the grass and taking out the garbage. I mean, that is ok by me, but all I had to do was…um….making and bringing coffee to my mom.  She would announce weekly, “David, take out the garbage.” Poor David. He cut the grass while I laid out in the sun and my sister Cheryl sat in the car, becoming further unhinged with yet another temper tantrum. I laid on my back a lot, because, well, I can’t see my back or back of my legs, so my tan was just a little uneven. I could hear the lawn mower in the distant as I kept my eyes closed, because it sort of hurts looking at the sun..duh..

One day I heard the lawn mower stop. Well, he could be thirsty, I thought. It was freaking hot that day. It was a clear, sunny, day, but yet a shadow formed over my closed eyelids. You can tell these things through your eyelids. Then I heard David’s voice. He was standing right over me. “Vickie, look!!!”  He sounded happy excited.  I opened my eyes, expecting to see an arrowhead (that’s what seriously went through my think-outside-the-box mind..hmmm, he is holding an….arrowhead? He liked rocks) Oh, how I wish it were so simple.

I opened my eyes to find a huge, black snake’s face, dangling right in front of mine.  It could have kissed me. Or I guess licked me with its forked tongue as it hissed its discomfort.  David had picked up the snake by its mid-section and brought it over to me.  So, naturally, it was dangling and swinging over my body and when I opened my eyes, it had stopped right over my face.

Now, I know this is politically incorrect, but my scream could have alerted Helen Keller of danger. But, I screamed lying down, because I had nowhere to go. I froze. It reminded me of an episode of  The Rifleman when I think Lucas McCain had a rattlesnake in his sleeping bag and he wouldn’t get up the next morning, and couldn’t speak and it was scary just watching it. But, I had my own episode going on and David was happy he found a snake. Wouldn’t you think he would move the damn snake so I could get up and pee in my bikini after I got done running around in circles, screaming. The fear was intense. People tend to run or do that swat with their hands, like how girls fight each other.  Swatting at air is a popular selection after being exposed to fear, I believe. And bringing one leg up while screaming.

Anyways, David couldn’t understand why I was screaming. It’s not like it was a copperhead. And we did have a copperhead nest in our backyard for several summers. My dad would say, “You can always tell if it is a copperhead by the shape of its head.” Ok, Dad, I will stop, bend over and check its little skull to see if it is poisonous or not. It is a SNAKE!”

Here’s the kicker. Helen Keller may have come running to thank me for the restoration of her hearing, but my mom never came out side. She had to have heard my screams. So, that means, she was either downstairs in the garage, trying to get Cheryl to get out of the car, or she just didn’t care.  Or I had stopped screaming by the time she finished her last drag on her cigarette.

I had dreams about snakes for a long time after. There was the dream where I opened up a cupboard in the kitchen and a bunch of them poured out. There was the dream where one was in the toilet, curled up, looking at me. And the one where baby snakes were trying to go up my nose.

Years later, I read in one of those stupid books that if you dream of snakes, it means you have a fear of intimacy or commitment.  Oh, shut up, you, idiot. I was 14 years old. There was a snake in my face.

(Part 2 coming soon)