The Tooth Fairy Sucks

In Japan, when children lost a baby tooth, they would take the tooth and throw it. If  it was a lower tooth they lost, they would  throw it straight up in the air, and if it was a upper tooth,  straight to the ground.  The idea is that the incoming permanent  teeth will grow in straight.  But, here in the United States, we use the tooth fairy to take care of that kind of business.

I mean, who the hell decided this?

I never liked the whole concept of the tooth fairy. Brings back a bad memory. When I was little, my brother, David, and I often had wrestling matches. We watched Studio Wrestling on Pittsburgh Channel 11 every Saturday  at 6p.m. and were fans of Bruno Sammartino.  So, we wrestled. He got in one corner of the living room and I got in another. And my sister, Cheryl, would simply say, “Go.”   We even had wrestling names. I was Booger Bone, and he was Pig Oak. I have no idea where we got these names, but I now realize that we were odd.  I don’t know why I wrestled. I was so skinny. I could  have been snapped in two. What’s sick, is that we invited my parents to watch, and they were ringside for several matches. I never heard, “Kids, stop wrestling right now. Vickie is petite and shall surely die.”  Heck no, they came to watch. After all, Dad was the person who got us interested in Studio Wrestling in the first place. I think he would have secretly liked to take a folding metal chair to my mom like we saw some wrestlers do to others in the ring.

David was a brute. Although he was 2 years younger than me, he was future linebacker big. Except he didn’t have that huge neck.  I never did get hurt. But, one Saturday night,  I did get an elbow to the mouth and lost a baby tooth.  I mean,  I really lost it.  I swallowed it!

Boy, I was upset.  I didn’t have a tooth to put under my pillow. What’s a child to do? Well, I got a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote the tooth fairy a short note. I knew that if she understood that circumstances beyond my control prohibited me from placing that tooth under my pillow that she would surely give me something.  This is exactly what I wrote. My mom gave me the note later, when I was a young adult.

“Dear tooth fairy, I don’t have a tooth. It is in my stomack. Please leave me 50 cents…… or a cat.  Love, Vickie”

I woke up the next morning and there wasn’t any  money under my pillow. And no bulge of a suffocated cat.  But, there was a note written on my note. “Dear Vickie,  Your mom hates cats.  I need the tooth, or no money. Love, The Tooth Fairy”

I didn’t cry. I got mad. I wish someone would have explained the whole concept of digestion and excretion, because there would have been a nice present  under my pillow. If that tooth fairy wanted the tooth, I would have given her a tooth….. in a day or two. That would have served her right..I have hated the Tooth Fairy ever since. Not too excited about my mother either.

So, the other  reason I really hate the tooth fairy is the fact that it is hard to wait until your child is asleep, open their door, creep through mounds of toys and step on a toy that makes a noise, grab the tooth, slip money under his head, and then leave without him waking.

The whole tooth fairy process doesn’t sound easy and it wasn’t. What’s easy is falling asleep waiting for my son, Adam to fall asleep. And sleeping all night long.

The first time it happened, (Yes, it happened twice…sigh) Adam came in my room and said, “Mom, the tooth fairy didn’t come last night.”  Oh SHIT!   Unfreaking believable.  I am such a bad mother. I am going to bad mother hell.  Luckily, I am a profound liar and I think remarkably fast on my feet.

“Adam, the tooth fairy visits kids in alphabetical order. We live in West Virginia. That starts with a “W”, so I am sure she is just running late.  Let’s go get breakfast and get ready for school and she will probably sneak in when you are downstairs.” Dear Lord, he believed me. After making his breakfast, I quietly ran upstairs and stuck $5 under his pillow.

The second time I slept in and once again, Adam came in and  said she forgot him again. This time Adam got hit in the mouth while playing baseball, so I said, ” Adam, the tooth fairy is sooo busy in the summer. Kids wreck their bikes and land on their face, and get hit in the mouth with baseballs all the time.” I am sure she will visit you next. And remember…..we live in West Virginia…..W….” (I should be shot)

Do you have any idea how hard it is to creep into a kid’s room when he sleeps with one eye open? Ok, teasing, but it was like a strategic operation to get into his room. First of all, his stupid door creaked. “Adam, I am going to keep the door open tonight so the Tooth Fairy will be able to find you.”  “No, Mom, close the door. She knows where my room is.”    I went into that room 6 times and he was still awake. Or I woke him. “Mom, don’t come in here. The tooth fairy is coming.”

Fine. Great. I hate the tooth fairy.

But, Adam loved the $20  the tooth fairy gave him the second time I accidentally fell asleep.

Mother guilt.